July 01, 2010
Every Word
I have a colleague who I see about eight times a year. She has a tell it like it is personality and she’ll let you know in no uncertain terms what she thinks about you. Her philosophy is, “If you don’t want my opinion, then you better not ask for it.” She uncaringly brings others to tears and to say she is harsh is an understatement. In a strange way I find myself thinking, ‘I really hope she’s not a Christian, or if she is that I’m not standing next to her on the day of judgment’. Jesus said, “But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” (Matt 12:36-37 NIV)
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Gail;
-----I like people like your colleague. I am aware of many of my faults. I try to keep tabs on them. I want to know what causes them and how to keep them under control until they either die out, or until I am able to defeat them. But my biases are as strong as anyone else’s, and I know they mask from my own view both faults and qualities. Another person willing to express what she sees in me has different biases. So I could find quite revealing what she would reflect back at me.
-----But a person with the gift of being forthcoming must be doubly humble. The more straightforward one is with another, the more the other will be effected by what is said. For that reason, the outspoken person has extra need to be sure their opinions match reality. And it is not the highly inaccurate opinions which are most harmful. People who express obviously wrong opinions simply expose their own foolishness. The most harmful are the opinions close enough to the truth to draw attention, yet subtly twisted enough to cause deception. Deception, whether or not intended, is very basic to the sinful nature of this life and the problems of it which plague us all. Part of the care Jesus cautioned us to use in our words is about not misleading brothers and sisters in the Lord or neighbors in the world. Our effects upon others must be the simple correcting of life’s misconceptions, rather than additions to them. Yet, too many folks are careless in their words by twisting the truth a bit so as to avoid hurting another person’s feelings. Before expressing any opinion to another, one should be humbly certain of all its accuracies.
-----In reality, it is not very kind to allow another person to continue in some misconception about themselves when one has actual opportunity to help them see more clearly. Their feelings may be spared by such action, but their propensity to continue in the dark is not helped. This places more value upon feelings than character. However, as important as character is, feelings are not without value. They provide the strength of drive, and without drive character rests in uselessness. I believe this is why the New Testament so prominently speaks of joy. And I believe it is why Paul specified joy as part of the kingdom of heaven (Rom 14:17). He said, “...let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to edify him.” (Rom 15:2) Feelings are important. Therefore, one’s choice of concepts to be delivered to another must be deliberately cognitive of their emotional effect, not to avoid presenting a certain concept, but to present it with kind and gentle words and emotions. But if it is yet not possible to avoid effecting an emotional thrashing, neither is one entirely excused from the issue. We are directed to build one another up in the Lord. The impossibility of presenting a corrective message to another indicates not the need to avoid such presentation always, but rather the need for emotional edification first, then for address of the issue next. On top of humble certainty about an opinion’s accuracy must be added the humble vigilance of another’s feelings to heedfully temper its words and timing.
Love you all,
Steve Corey
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