People who contemplate
suicide often don’t contemplate it all, rather it is a spur of the moment
decision. An earthquake opened the prison doors and the jailer guarding Paul didn’t
even check the cells, but rather drew his sword and was ready to kill himself
because he thought all the prisoners had escaped. I don’t see much difference
between the jailer and mature believers when we see our church seemingly going
the way of the world. Speaking from experience, when church leadership blows
off my concerns my initial reaction is to draw my sword and cut my own throat. Whether it’s physical or spiritual suicide, Paul’s
words to the jailer are applicable, “But Paul shouted, “Don’t harm yourself! We
are all here” (Acts 16:28 NIV)!
1 comment:
Gail;
-----Depression and arrogance share the very, exact same reference point: “I know”. “I know nothing will ever be different!” “I know everything about that!”’ “I know there is nothing left to live for!” “I know you’re wrong!” “I know blowing my head off is the only way to end my misery!” “I know they will always choose the wrong thing!” In fact, depression is arrogance expressed through negative emotions. Tyranny is arrogance expressed through positive emotions. Arrogance is the pit.
-----When I pulled my head away from the barrel of my 8mm Mauser forty years ago, and expelled the round from its firing chamber, it wasn’t because I wanted to do that. It was that “Yes: Mom” was the answer to my final question, “Is there one good reason precluding me from pulling this trigger?” It was the humility of understanding my mother’s reaction to my suicide by which I determined to overcome my own failures. And I defeated my arrogance of “knowing nevers” with Christ’s humility of learning evers. I reconsidered the disparaging brick walls of my prison to be encouraging brick walls of Christ’s fortress. So I began laying the bricks of my behavior upon those walls more carefully, more thoughtfully.
-----Depression, anger, discord, disagreement are all mere perceptions born of arrogance, born of knowing more than what is actually knowable. Humility turns depression to adventure, anger to contemplation, discord to respect, and disagreement to honor. Humility does not look within for the answers as does arrogance. It knows the self is placed into an environment much of which it can not effect. Yet it respects the possibility of effecting that anyway by attending to what it can effect from reflecting God’s righteousness. Humility steps through the door arrogance closes.
-----When I pulled my head away from that Mauser, my next decision was not to not commit suicide. At that moment, I truly did not want to live; I loathed myself. I needed to die. So I decided to kill myself spiritually, to empty myself of every meaning I held about every thing, and then to realign myself with what is in itself true. I considered my problems extended from my misalignment with truth, not from truth’s misalignment with me. That was the first time I saw dying to myself so clearly, and being raised up in Christ so realistically, for He is the beginning and end of all truth. In that, all answers are in Him. That’s when I saw my depression become an adventure into those answers as I re-evaluated, one at a time, everything I knew and believed by who God’s Word says Jesus is.
-----I am no longer afraid to be wrong. In fact, God’s Word says I am false and God is true. Now I am afraid to insist on my own ways. After all, beyond what I know, there is the possibility my own ways are wrong. For the sake of doing something, which something always needs done, I will proceed as if my well thought ways are not wrong. But also, I now keep on them a humble eye for deviations from His Word.
Love you all,
Steve Corey
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