July 26, 2012
Second Greatest Commandment
There is a fellow believer who I intentionally avoid because she causes
a lot of wear and tear on my Christianity. One example of her egocentricities
was using her brassiere as a bandanna to keep her hair in place while riding in
the car with the windows rolled down. She then took the exhibition one step
further and wore her new found hair accessory into a gas station to purchase a
drink and boast to the male attendant about her creativity. This woman, who is a
student of the Bible and well beyond her youth, takes more pleasure in drawing
attention to herself and embarrassing others than she does in “Love[ing] your neighbor as yourself.” (Matt 22:39 NIV)
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6 comments:
Gail;
-----I’ve not read in Scripture nor any man’s law a prohibition of wearing a bra as a bandanna. I wonder about the propriety of making up one. Yet the Scripture is replete with encouragement and admonitions about outdoing one another in showing honor. Like it or not, generation after generation of interaction amongst people forms social norms. They’re not laws like what will land you before a tangible judge. Yet they are laws which will land you before all the thoughts and attitudes and feelings and senses programmed into the folks around, which does become kind of like being hauled into court before an intangible judge. Your sister has now been tried, convicted, and intangibly sentenced. That’s kind of sad.
-----But just how big a sentence should embarrassing others draw? I used to think that a sentence should be measured according to the goodness of the victim. But in light of the facts that God is merciful to us all through Christ seeing us as righteous in Him regardless of how errant we actually are, and that in as much as anything done to any one of us is doing the same to Jesus (Mat 25:35-46), then the slightest offense becomes enormously major because the victims have all been made righteously good. Yet that righteous goodness would be deplorably false should any victim insist upon such a measured sentence instead of the same loving mercy which alone made him righteous and good.
-----So I guess the sentence must be measured instead by the damage done. In a way, I kind of hope someone was there who did make a quiet and honest comment of backpressure to her. I know this person, and I get a kick out of her eccentricity. And I rather cherish her. But none of that dissolves the reality that her excursions outside social norms often cause real embarrassment to others, whether or not they should feel embarrassed. But in as much as embarrassment passes, so too should comments.
-----What should remain is genuine love. But in spite of shoulds and shouldn’ts, it can be truly stated of her that maintaining the boundaries of social norms will never become an element of her love. Nor will careful measurement and direction of comments made by those she embarrasses become an element of their love. This is why we together must generously imbibe the grace of God, for He has truly stated of us all, “Let God be true, though every man be false, as it is written, ‘That Thou mayest be justified in Thy words, and prevail when Thou art judged.’” (Rom 3:4)
Love you all,
Steve Corey
Hi. I just happened upon this post and have never read your blog before, so you don't know me and I don't know you.
So, ordinarily, I wouldn't make this kind of comment. We have no history, you see, so you don't know my heart. Yet, here I go. :}
I thought your post was a simple and sincere expression of how you felt. It seems to me that the post contained, perhaps unexpressed directly, a wish that you weren't disturbed by your friend's inappropriate behavior along with a clear description of why you find this friend taxing.
I did not read malice or condemnation in your post. Really. It did not have that spirit within it at all.
There are numerous Scripture verses that could be applied related to how a Godly woman should present herself to others. None of those verses include aberrant or attention-seeking behavior. Really. They don't.
You know, God is a big fan of the truth. It's okay with Him if you see the truth of a person's behavior. It is imperative to Him that we see the truth of our own thoughts and feelings, too. Expressing them in print helps with that, doesn't it?
Berating a friend for inappropriate behavior is not loving and does not help. But you did not do that. You chose this forum to express your unease about the situation.
We are not required to pretend there is not a problem in order to fulfill the second greatest commandment. We are simply required to love the offender.
In fact, denial in order to love kind of negates the love...for one is loving a false construct.
At any rate, I just wanted you to know that along with the description contained in your post, I heard the willingness to love and to show grace, and to not treat your friend as an entertaining curiosity, but, rather, as an adult loved by God. I also noticed a wisdom in knowing how to protect yourself and your walk in regard to this person. Self-awareness, when lifted up to God, is a valuable thing.
I find it curious to note that people who lecture us on how to love often do so in a well-modulated tone of voice with carefully chosen words...and from a condescending, meant to put us in our place, most unloving way--leaving us confused about what just happened.
On the one hand, at a basic level, our response is to feel as tho we have been slapped and belittled--but that feels off-base somehow because the words seem to be so reasonably and kindly spoken.
Passive-aggressive communication is most destructive to the individual who receives it and damaging to relationships. But that is the subject for another time.
May the Lord provide comfort, clarity and grace. Personally, I'm thinking that you're a great friend.
Deb
Deb;
-----Your lecture on how to love presented with carefully chosen words in a well modulated tone I received as quite beneficial. Although it was as aggressive as it was passive, it was very effective. Criticism hurts. But it comes through eyes seeing angles mine have not, so the insights it brings I would likely never know without it. And insights are just far too valuable to miss because of the pain of a little slap or two. (ie: I’m badly passive-aggressive; thank you for reminding me.)
-----Intellectual honesty is a process if truth is a certainty. Since truth is a certainty, then intellectual honesty must be engaged. I honestly addressed the impropriety of breaking norms and the propriety of retributions which naturally follow. It is also evident that our free-spirited sister will continue fracturing normal boundaries, and that many people will continue not only being embarrassed but also airing comments that, whether meant to be or not, do become the resulting retribution. And those comments are as good as they are bad. This is life. It has been the interplay of social psychology ever since Adam and Eve began multiplying.
-----But I did not aggressively acknowledge that while most folks consider this sister’s actions as egocentric, some consider them as merely eccentric. That’s a big difference. I honestly admit Gail has known her far longer than I have, so maybe she is right in referring to her actions as “exhibitions” rather than playfulness. I think my biggest felt pain of your criticism regards my gullibility. I am far too anxious to find good in someone. Then I’m too quick to defend it. But I see evidence in her eccentricity of someone being as careless as I am with expressions hoped to be interesting to others, if not at least entertaining, or revealing.
-----It is not that grace is another way, therefore criticism is bad. Criticism upholds social norms, and social norms uphold civility. Gail’s criticisms were necessary. But as you have demonstrated really well about passive aggressive communication’s destructiveness, any other form of criticism (constructive or not, honest or not) also creates damage to relationships. Thankfully, honest criticism creates far more benefits than damages. Regardless, criticism is beloved by honest people for its benefits, and grace is cherished for its reconstitution of all the little stress-fractures and weather-checks generated by criticism of all kinds. Criticism done as graciously as possible by someone who is maybe not as skilled as he should be may come across as passive-aggressive. And maybe not. I tend to wonder if the nature of many (but not all) things in our relationships and communications with one another are simply in the eyes of the beholder, like is beauty.
-----So I know I am doing a little damage whenever and however I criticize. And I’m sorry for that while I criticize, because that isn’t what I want, just like the damage you wrote of is not what you want when you criticize. But since it’s a known fact we must graciously step through it to reach the benefits offered by criticism. Thank you for offering some of those benefits to me, and I graciously forgive the few damages done by your passive-aggressiveness.
Love,
Steve
Deb,
Nice to have you join the conversation. I appreciate your prospective and the depth of your comments.
You are correct, there was no malice intended. For me the Christian landscape just seems foreign when, rather than rejoicing with a fellow believer, I am going out of my way to avoid her. The real irony is that my egocentric friend takes pride and relishes in the notoriety of having her escapades exposed. She would be thrilled knowing that any one of her numerous exploits had been shared with others.
I agree there is truth in a person’s behavior and expressing it in print is an excellent tool for exposing the motives of the heart.
Gail
Steve,
I rarely address a commenter on another person's blog, since their comments are to the blogger and not to me. Since you called me out, tho, I will reply.
You accused me of giving you a passive-aggressive lecture--throwing some of my own words back at me. :) (I am glad you think that my comment was well-modulated and contained will-chosen words, by the way. I do try.)
Here's the deal, Steve. I did not give you a lecture of any kind, whatsoever, passive-aggressive or otherwise.
I spoke directly to Gail. I commented on her blog to her.
You chose to eavesdrop on my comment to Gail, and you didn't like what you overheard.
And I'm okay that you didn't like what you overheard. It is, in fact,a good sign. Sort of.
It would have been a better sign if you hadn't responded to the fruit of your own eavesdropping with a flaming example of passive-aggressive communication as you attempted to shame me for my direct comment to Gail, tho. Yeah. Much better.
Best wishes, Steve, and I have to say, you did make me chuckle a bit.
Gail--I do apologize for taking up your space. It is not my habit to do so. Thanks for the email, too. I appreciate it. :)
Deb
Deb;
Treasurable!
Thank you.
Steve
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